I was a Slut

I watched Silver Linings Playbook, directed and written by David O. Russell, for the first time yesterday. Honestly, the beginning was a bit slow to me but I became enthralled with the story as it continued. By the way, this isn't a movie review and is more of a reflection.
Jennifer Lawrence's character Tiffany stated these lines that hit home for me.   

I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?

No, I haven't lost a husband so I cannot relate in that way. However, when something traumatic happens to someone it affects them in a grand way; either they withdrawal into themselves or cannot get enough of people and intimacy. Neither way is healthier than the other. You could say you'll act one way if something traumatic happens but you don't really know till you're in the situation.



I was raped 5 years ago, completely sober and my instincts were screaming I was walking into a lion's den. I still went. It was my choice to go. I begged for pity. I cried. Not only was I raped and physically abused (punch to the stomach "to kill the baby"), but also mentally and emotionally abuse ("You suck at everything," "I love you so you should do this."). I prayed. Nothing stopped it till he was done.

I was a virgin, with no alcohol coursing through my system to numb the pain of him ripping through me. I was powerless in trying to get away. All I was able to do was move a few inches up the pillow till he pushed the weight of his legs onto mine. No one came running when I was choking out pleas for help in-between asking for him to stop; then he covered my mouth. I held back my tears, till the pain was too great and with his hand covering my mouth I realized I was defeated. It didn't hurt just because I was a virgin. The pain was so immense because I knew what was happening to me and I couldn't get away.

He broke me. He stolen something precious to me and knew I was that weirdo that wanted to wait till marriage. And he took that. I became dirty. There is not enough scolding water in the world to make me clean again. I tried to continue going to church. I felt dirty. Everyone was pure while I was dumb and dirty. I was dirty and I thought that was all I was good for. That was all I was good for so might as well embrace it. And I did.

I didn't go to the extreme Lawrence's character displays while coping with my trauma. Nonetheless, I'm not proud of that time in my life. I was looking for someone to fix me, when in fact the only person that could fix me is myself. It's hard to stop blaming myself and to just forgive. I still have flashbacks that trigger panic attacks, they're not as frequent but still hard to explain to someone I'm seeing along with awkward for them to stick around the baggage.

I shouldn't have to apologize for a "part of me that is dirty and sloppy," it shaped who I am today. I can forgive myself for my past and look towards the future.